Some of that may be the fault of the book on which it’s based. I’m not sure, as I’ve never read it and I certainly have no reason to now. But there’s simply no denying that the bones of the story aren’t healthy. Its pace is off-putting, its structure is all out of proportion, and its ending doesn’t follow from its beginning. The fact of the matter, though, is that issues of form and narrative are just a tiny fraction of what’s wrong with this one.

A far bigger problem is that no one quite seems to know what movie they’re in. You can tell at times that actors deliver jokes they either don’t recognize as jokes or perhaps they’ve simply misunderstood (or been misinformed about) why they’re funny. Almost every single one of the adult leads delivers every line with an infuriating overwrought insincerity that holds the viewer at arm’s length for no good reason. 

There are exceptions but they end up being just as frustrating in their incongruity. The fact of the matter is that the only actors who seem to understand the material and  perform it appropriately are the children. And I spent a long time trying to decide whether to chalk this up to the fact that they’re better actors than Adam Driver, Greta Gerwig, and Don Cheadle, or perhaps simply better cast in their roles. In the end, I decided I just don’t care.

Another possibility, of course, is that the young’uns are simply too unseasoned as performers to follow bad direction, which kinda makes the most sense to me, because everything else about the production points toward Baumbach having no clue what he was doing with this, reportedly one of Netflix’ most expensive original films to date. 

I’ll say this, though: Every penny of the alleged $140-million-plus budget appears onscreen. White Noise is a gorgeous film, shot on a combination of 35mm and 65mm Kodak Vision3 stock and 6.5K Arriraw, and finished in a 4K DI. The imagery has a burnt, high-contrast look with rich saturated colors, and although there’s not a lot for the Dolby Vision high dynamic range to do in terms of shadow depth (of which there is very little), some nice specular highlights add to the depth of the image without getting out of control. It’s a bit soft overall but that works to give the production an appropriately vintage look.

The Atmos sound mix, too, is seriously well done on a technical and artistic level, with good but not overwhelming use of the surround soundfield and a focus on exceptional vocal intelligibility, which would be more appreciated if the oh-so-pretentious dialogue were worth listening to.

But it’s not. None of it. White Noise is such a fascinating dumpster fire of a motion picture that I’m almost inclined to encourage you to watch it, the way someone who has tasted something truly revolting wants you to take a bite too. You shouldn’t, though. The film isn’t half as smart as Baumbach thinks it is, and you’re nowhere near as stupid as he assumes you are.